Discovering Your Real and Ideal Self

Ever caught yourself wondering, who am I, really? Beneath all the layers shaped by family, society, and life experiences, who is the real you? It’s a common question, yet the answer often feels elusive. Most of us are influenced by those around us, especially during our formative years. Parents, teachers, and other important figures who shape our values, beliefs, and aspirations. Without even realizing it, we start adopting their dreams and ideals, mistaking them for our own. But what happens when we get lost in these layers and lose sight of our true self?

It’s easy to fall into this trap of living someone else’s vision. You might not even notice until one day, you wake up and ask, “Who the hell am I?” What do you actually want? What makes you happy, passionate, or fulfilled? If you’re lucky, you’ll start asking these questions early on. The sooner you begin this journey of self-discovery, the sooner you’ll figure out who you truly are and learn to embrace that version of yourself.

For many, this awakening comes later—often triggered by a life-altering event that forces us to look in the mirror. And when we do, the reflection staring back at us can be quite surprising.

Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers introduced the concept of the self-concept, which is essentially how you view yourself. According to Rogers, there are two important parts of this concept: the real self and the ideal self. The real self is the part of you that feels genuine, honest, and aligned with who you truly are. It’s not necessarily perfect, but it’s comfortable, familiar, and true. This is the self you should learn to accept and love the most.

On the other hand, the ideal self is the person you think you should be. It’s shaped by external influences—what you believe others expect from you, society’s standards, and the values you’ve absorbed over time. This version is more about trying to fit into roles that others have unconsciously set for you. You believe you’ll be more loved or accepted if you can meet these external expectations, even though they aren’t truly your own.

While striving to improve yourself is healthy, problems arise when the gap between your real self and your ideal self becomes too wide. This dissonance can lead to feelings of frustration, anxiety, and even failure, because you’re setting impossible standards for yourself—standards that were never yours to begin with.

Start by gaining clarity on who you are right now (your real self). Spend time reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Journaling can be a great tool for this. Ask yourself:

• What do I truly value?
• What brings me joy and fulfilment?
• How do I respond to challenges?
• Which of my behaviours feel authentic, and which feel influenced by others?

This reflection will give you a clearer picture of your current self and whether your actions align with your core values.